nicolica: (Default)
Originally posted by [livejournal.com profile] coffee_and at Про депрессии
В голове сегодня вертятся два поста. Про депрессии и про чтение путеводителя по Лондону. Про путеводитель в следующий раз. А про депрессии напишу.
В данном посте не будет научной информации. Вернее, если она и будет, ее будет очень мало. Пост в большей степени будет с точки зрения инсайдера.

Депрессия - вечно модная тема. Если у вас нет депрессии, вы с удовольствием о ней поговорите. С удовольствием напишете ветку другую в комментах. Особо везучие и умные люди не упустят случая написать "ты просто радуйся жизни и все". При этом те, кому почему-то порадоваться не удается, хотят этих умных стукнуть чем-нибудь тяжелым. Почему? Я сейчас попробую объяснить.
Read more... )
nicolica: (Default)
Originally posted by [livejournal.com profile] borovik_irina at Расставание- Маленькая смерть. Утрата.Горе. Гештальт-терапия.
                                                                      Расставание-маленькая смерть

Утрата близкого человека- всегда экзистенциальная травма. Накал эмоций, глубина переживаний наносят незаживающую рану независимо от причины потери партнера. Будь то физическая смерть или разрыв отношений.
Для нас, психотерапевтов, работа со смертью, потерей прозрачный процесс. На службе специалиста, правда, отработанных техник и инструментов достаточно, чтобы помочь горюющему.И в этом не цинизм, а гордость профессии.
Современные культурные стандарты ориентируют нас на избегание и отказ от негативных эмоций. Близкие люди считают правильным развлекать горюющего, отвлекать от печали увеселительными мероприятиями. Обесценивать историю отношений с умершим или ушедшим.Рекомендуют пуститься в новые отношения, дабы забыть старые: « Клин клином вышибают»
Между тем, горе продолжает оставаться тяжелым переживанием. И, даже, когда человек отвлекся и случилась короткая передышка-горе напомнит о себе и накатится как снежный ком.
Горе, утрата- требует  щедрой душевной мобилизации. Горе не отпустит от себя без должного внимания. Только встретившись с ним лицом к лицу можно жить дальше.
Смерть, расставание не только потеря старого уклада, но и встреча с новыми психологическими задачами.
Первая-осознание факта потери как свершившегося и необратимого, что это навсегда. Это вызывает шок, боль, отчаяние. И выжить в этих чувствах- вторая задача.
Третья- слезы, причитания, принятие нового мира в отсутствие умершего ( покинувшего).
Строить новые правила свой жизни, не опираясь, не надеясь … Построить новое отношение к ушедшему человеку и продолжать ЖИТЬ.
К каждому этапу проживания горя следует относиться трепетно и с уважением. Ускорение или избегание возвращают, снова и снова, в притупленную душевную боль. Форсирование процесса замедляет « Работу Горя» и приводит не к облегчение, а к длительной депрессии.
Пишу для Вас, если ВЫ рядом с горюющем. Для Вас,если Ваш близкий пережил утрату или расставание.
Золотое правило: не торопите события, будьте рядом, слушайте причитания столько, сколько это надо горюющему.Не вторгайтесь вероломно в личное пространство. Кинестетику надо поплакать « в жилетку», аудиалу- выговориться по- телефону,визуалу - пристально глаза в глаза посмотреть.
Непросто быть рядом с горюющим. Много душевных сил, времени и терпения потребуются от Вас.
Но давать, не ожидая возврата долгов- это то, что отличает любящих от остальных.

nvc

Mar. 6th, 2011 09:59 pm
nicolica: (Default)
Every Angry Message is a "Please"

Sometimes it is hard to remember, but every time someone speaks or acts in anger or frustration, he is saying “Please!” Consider the please when your child says, “We NEVER get to do what I want to do!” The child is saying, “Please, I want fairness and fun. I want to know that you care about my needs, too.”

How about when your wife says to you as you walk in the front door, “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you for an HOUR!” Perhaps underneath this statement, she is saying, “Would you please consider my needs for predictability, respect, and trust?”

Okay, maybe these are too obvious. What is the “please” behind your boss’s statement? “This presentation was deplorable. The computer didn’t operate properly, the graphics were juvenile, and the timing didn’t work. I was embarrassed to present this to the Board, and it must not happen again.” Maybe she’s saying “please” to higher-quality presentations and maintaining a certain image with the Board.

The next time someone expresses their disappointment, frustration, or anger toward you, take a moment to consider the “please” behind their words. When you do this, you have a much greater opportunity to resolve conflicts peacefully.

***


When a person’s communication is difficult to hear,notice the “please” behind it. When you can hear it as “please,” does it shift how you feel?

nvc

Oct. 4th, 2010 01:57 pm
nicolica: (Default)
Four Surefire Ways to Ruin a Relationship
By Rachelle Lamb


For years I have been speaking and writing about how our communication can greatly enhance our relationships and life experiences. For something completely different, I thought I'd offer readers some surefire ways to effectively ruin relationships. That's right... ruin relationships! We could also call it the Thomas Edison approach... a few tips on how not to go about "lighting" up the faces of those you love. For those who might be curious, here are some all time favorites.

1. Blame and Criticize
This probably tops them all! Nothing compares to a good dose of blame and criticism.

Be sure to include denigrating labels as well. Let me provide you with a few winning examples... call your spouse "uncaring and insensitive", your teen "ungrateful", your boss "incompetent", your sister "manipulative", the government "irresponsible".

There are so many I could fill a volume. Believe me - these work!!! Faster than your neo-cortex will have the chance to reflect on the truly amazing efficiency of your reptilian brain, you will have made certain that the person you are speaking to erects a virtually impregnable barrier of self-defense.

Think about it... nine times out of ten, hasn't blame and criticism aimed in your direction had the same effect? And the beauty of this is... the more a person is exposed to this treatment, the faster they become at putting up walls. Some people even decide to leave the walls there permanently.

Another benefit to this technique is that the speaker also gets to feel lousy even though he or she is talking about someone else. And by the way, it's also just as effective used directly on oneself!

2. Deny Responsibility for Your Actions
You'll get fast results with this one!! It's related to blame in that you get to point your finger at someone else or at an entity such as an organization.

But here's where the magic happens... you then get to stand back and make others responsible for all your woes. So much fun! If you like to think "poor me" and "if only", this one is unbeatable!

3. Order People Around
Ooooh honey I love it when you tell me what to do! Any joy the other person might have had in doing what you want is instantly lost when they're told to do it. Even if the person ends up doing what you want, it will be out of submission and you can be pretty sure you won't be getting the best the other person has to offer. Hello resentment! If on the other hand, the person happens to have a rebellious streak, you have another kind of mess to deal with. Either way, it's a mess.

Over time, this method erodes the very foundation of the relationship. Don't take my words for it though. Try it for yourself. Don't wait another minute!

4. Threaten People
Another winner!! When others think they may be punished or have something taken away as a result of not doing things your way, this sets the platform for lying, cheating, conniving, manipulation, crime and other wonderful things. This is lose/lose at its very best!

There are plenty more "relationship busters" I could share but these definitely top the list. And what's great is that these proven winning techniques can be applied in many different scenarios with consistent results.

If, however, after using these methods for a while, you discover your energy is slowly being drained and you start hankering for a change, then I invite you to discover some effective alternatives.

Recent polls indicate that the number of people being drawn to relate differently is clearly on the rise. In fact it appears that the Ruin Your Relationships Formula is fast becoming antiquated and losing popularity. Conversely, there is a burgeoning interest in exploring win-win formulas.

This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in handy. NVC is a powerful process that uses communication to serve a very different purpose. It places a premium on facilitating trust, openness and optimism and inspires people to work together in genuine partnership - in both home and workplace settings.

Should you happen to be one of the individuals who is tiring of the ruinous habits mentioned above, and would appreciate a refreshing change, come join the growing numbers of people who are using this process to positively transform their communication and their relationships.

nvc

Oct. 4th, 2010 01:55 pm
nicolica: (Default)
Respecting Is Not the Same as Conceding

By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.

In a conflict situation, understanding the other person's needs does not mean you have to give up your own needs. It does mean demonstrating to the other person that you are interested in both your needs and theirs. When they trust that, there's much more likelihood of everyone's needs getting met, which is what happened in the following situation.

I was working with a group of minority students many years ago who had the impression that their school principal was very racist in many of his behaviors, and wanted my help to resolve their conflicts with him.

In our training session, they defined their needs clearly. When we talked about expressing their request, they said: "Marshall, we're not optimistic about making requests of him. We did make requests of him in the past, and it wasn't very pleasant. In the past, he has said, 'Get out of here or I'm going to call the police.'"

I asked, "What request did you make of him?"

One of the students replied, "We said we didn't want him telling us how we could wear our hair." They were referring to the fact that the principal barred them from the football team unless they cut their hair short. I pointed out to them: "Telling him what you don't want (you don't want him telling you how to wear your hair) is really not what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting you learn how to tell him what you do want."

Another student said, "Well, we told him we wanted fairness."

I responded: "Well, that's a need. We have a need for fairness. Once we know our needs, the next step is to be clear with people about what we really want them to do. What can they do to meet our needs? We have to learn how to say that more clearly."

We worked very hard and came up with thirty-eight present requests in positive action language, and we practiced how to present their requests in a respectful, nondemanding way. Doing that means that after you make your request, no matter how the other person responds, whether the person says yes or no, you give an equal amount of respect and understanding. If they say "no," try to understand what need they are meeting that keeps them from saying "yes."

The students went in, told the principal their needs, and expressed their thirty-eight requests in clear action language. They listened to what needs the principal had, and in the end the principal agreed to all thirty-eight of their requests.

About two weeks after that happened, I got a call from a representative of the school district asking if I would teach their school administrator what I had taught those students.

It's very important, in expressing our requests, to be respectful of the other person's reaction regardless of whether they agree to the request. One of the most important messages another person can give us is "no" or "I don't want to." If we listen well to this message, it helps us understand the other person's needs. If we are listening to other peoples' needs, we will see that every time a person says "no," they're really saying they have a need that is not addressed by our strategy, which keeps them from saying "yes." If we can teach ourselves to hear the need behind that "no," we will find an openness toward getting everyone's needs met.

Of course, if we hear the "no" as a rejection, or if we start to blame the other person for saying "no," then it's not likely that we're going to find a way of getting everyone's needs met. It's key that, throughout the process, we keep everyone's attention focused on meeting everyone's needs.

I'm very optimistic about what happens in any conflict if we create this quality of connection. If all sides in a conflict get clear about what they need and hear the other side's needs, if people express their strategies in clear action language, then even if the other person says "no," the focus returns to meeting needs. If we all do this, we will easily find strategies that get everyone's needs met.

nvc

Sep. 13th, 2010 10:19 am
nicolica: (Default)

The shortest and surest way to live with honor in the
world is to be in reality what we would appear to be.
—Socrates

 

Live Authentically

Have you ever heard comments like these? “I didn’t know you were angry!” “Really? You were enjoying the party?” The true test of living authentically is when people perceive your feelings accurately. It sounds easy, but it takes courage, honesty, and an ability to be in the present moment.

It is so natural for many of us to lie about who we are and what we feel. Say that a woman you wanted to date calls you to ask if you want to go skiing. You might say, “Oh sure, I love to ski,” when in reality you gave up skiing years ago because you didn’t enjoy it. You tell yourself that if she discovers you don’t like skiing she won’t like you, so you lie to meet your need for acceptance and love. At the same time, you deny your need for authenticity, honesty, and fun.

It is a total relief to be authentic. No more hiding out, making up excuses, or lying to people. It can feel like a weight has been lifted from your chest. Imagine just being you, without worrying about how other people will receive you.

 
Be aware today of opportunities to be honest with
people because you desire to live authentically.

nvc

Sep. 1st, 2010 09:39 am
nicolica: (Default)

Few blame themselves until they have
exhausted all other possibilities.
—Anonymous

 

Being Honest About Our Anger

When I am angry, it is likely that I am not getting something that I want and that I think I should get, and I am about to say something that will ensure I won’t get it.

When we blame other people, we place ourselves in a dangerous position of not meeting our needs in that relationship.

Instead, take a deep breath and don’t say anything. While taking this breath, quietly acknowledge to yourself your unmet needs and feelings in the situation. Only when you have connected to your feelings and needs should you consider speaking to the other person. Here is how it works.

Let’s say your boss just told you, “This proposal is completely unacceptable. You have a half hour to fix it!” Take a breath and think to yourself, “Ugh. I am so ticked at him. He is so demanding and impossible to please because he gives such vague information.” Then connect to the feelings and needs beneath these judgments, “I really feel annoyed (feeling) because I’d like clarity about what he specifically wants (need).”

Then, say aloud, “You know when I hear that I feel frustrated because I created the proposal based on your specifications. I need some clarity here. Would you be willing to tell me exactly what parts are unacceptable to you?”

Such a communication is more likely to meet your needs for clarity, respect, and being valued.

Be aware of opportunities today to practice
connecting with yourself before responding
to another person in anger.

NVC

Aug. 23rd, 2010 09:58 am
nicolica: (Default)

By perseverance the snail reached the ark.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon

 

Being Persistant About Getting Our Needs Met

Do you ever find yourself in an argument that doesn’t seem to have a solution? Consider this couple’s situation. The husband picks up after himself and he likes a neat home; the wife tends to put things down and leave them there. Their arguments usually involve the husband accusing the wife of being lazy and uncaring, and the wife accusing the husband
of being rigid.

The only two strategies that they can come up with are either the husband picks up for both of them or the wife tries to pick up for herself. But she usually doesn’t stick with it for long and the argument starts over. Sometimes people get stuck in this kind of argument for years. How about a different approach?

Let’s consider the needs. The husband may need orderliness and cooperation, while the wife may need spontaneity and autonomy. Suppose he says to her, “You know, when I come home and see your clothes on the floor from the living room to the bedroom, I feel confused and annoyed because yesterday I heard you say that you would start picking up your things. Did I hear you correctly yesterday?”

“Well, yeah, but you know I came home and jumped in the shower. I meant to pick up the clothes, but then I started reading the paper and just forgot.” “So, your intention was to pick up your clothes, but then you got distracted?” “Yeah. That’s it.” “You know, when I hear that I feel annoyed because I’d really like to trust that you’ll follow through on your commitments. Do you think you heard my request to pick up your things as a demand?”

“Of course it’s a demand. If I don’t do it your way, I’m in trouble.” “I can see how you’d think that because I have been really upset about this issue for a long time. But I’d like you to hear it differently now. I really do value orderliness, but I also value your need for autonomy and spontaneity. I’d truly like for us to create a solution that meets both of our needs. Would you be willing to brainstorm ideas with me that might accomplish that?”

Can you imagine new solutions to this ongoing conflict? It’s especially difficult to be creative when you are emotionally charged by the situation. Here are a few ideas: She pays someone to clean the house weekly; they put a box by the front door for all the clothes she takes off; she has one room in the house designated hers where she can be as untidy as she likes; he has one room that’s his and keeps it as tidy as he likes; or he continues to tidy the house for both of them and she adds other duties to her list, such as the laundry or yard work. The point is that there are numerous ways to meet these needs. The trick is to be creative and flexible in choosing strategies.

Be aware of your needs today and be creative
and flexible about getting them met.

NVC

Aug. 23rd, 2010 09:57 am
nicolica: (Default)

No one can make you feel inferior
without your consent.
Eleanor Roosevelt

 

You Are Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings

How many times have we heard this? It may sound trite, but it’s true! Everyone’s feelings are a result of their own met or unmet needs. It’s important that we take responsibility for our actions and acknowledge that our behaviors are sometimes a stimulus for other people’s pain. It is equally important that we acknowledge to ourselves that other people are responsible for their own feelings.

Say that you are telling a story about your younger brother’s childhood, which you think is hysterical and clearly demonstrates his quick wit. He, on the other hand, feels hurt and embarrassed because he wants respect and consideration, especially while his girlfriend is visiting the family. In this situation, your brother doesn’t appreciate that you are trying to contribute to his relationship with his girlfriend.

Are you responsible for how he feels? Absolutely not. Should you acknowledge that you were the stimulus for his pain, and express your regret? Absolutely; to meet your own needs for care and consideration.

If you can remember this simple philosophy, it can be easier for you to take responsibility for your actions, without taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. This will enhance and deepen your relationships.

Notice if you are taking responsibility for other
people’s feelings today and be aware that
they are responsible instead.

nvc

Jul. 19th, 2010 03:43 pm
nicolica: (Default)
Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.
—Charlotte Brontë


Stimulus or Cause

Violence is a result of thinking that others caused our pain and deserve to be punished. When living from this consciousness, we believe that our anger is justified.

Consider road rage. A driver who engages in it believes that the other person is driving badly or is trying to tick him off, so he tailgates, makes hand gestures, or worse yet, shoots at them. He often feels justified in his anger. Two weeks before, however, he may have driven down that same road in the same traffic but didn’t behave violently.

Why? Maybe because he had an easier day at work, or left work earlier and had more time to get home, or it was his anniversary and he was excited about the evening ahead. The stimulus was the same—traffic on a particular road—but his feelings were quite different depending on his needs.

The cause of our feelings is our own needs in the moment. What happens is simply the stimulus. In order to maintain serenity in our life, it is important to understand this distinction.

Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.

***

Be aware today of times when you are tempted to blame other people for your feelings, and try to discover your unmet needs.

NVC

Jul. 12th, 2010 10:20 am
nicolica: (Default)
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
—Edith Wharton


Releasing Our Judgments

An underlying theme in a Nonviolent Communication consciousness is to translate our judgments into feelings and needs. It is impossible to value other people’s needs and remain compassionate if we simultaneously harbor judgments.

Releasing judgments, however, can feel like a monumental task. It seemed that way for me at first. My mind seemed to lodge a judgment per second in an effort to organize data into good or bad categories.

My thoughts would go like this: This dress is pretty and that one isn’t, this person drives well and that person doesn’t, this yard is well kept and that one isn’t, this road is in bad condition, this person is a bad boss—and on it went. The smallest of details had to be judged and categorized.

Finally I became willing to shift this behavior. I started to translate my judgments into acknowledging how something affected me. So when I caught myself thinking, “What a crummy road,” I would translate it into “This road is a lot rougher than I’m used to, and I’m a little worried about my tires.”

I would translate “What a grumpy mother” into “When I see that woman talk to her children in that way, I feel sad because I value more patience.” Or sometimes I would empathize with the mother in my mind by saying, “I bet that mother is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break.”

Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.

***

Be aware of your judgments today and try to translate them into how the situation affects your state of needs.

NVC

Jun. 29th, 2010 11:10 am
nicolica: (Default)
I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
Or things in ways, I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
But he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
think, was he a stupid kid or did he just
know different things than you did?
—Ruth Bebermeyer


Separating Observations and Evaluations


Often times we blend an observation—the facts of a situation—with our own opinion. Here is an example. Say your brother spent all of Saturday helping a friend put a new roof on his house. An observation mixed with an evaluation would sound like this: “You are going to wear yourself out!” An observation that is separate from an evaluation would look like this: “When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your friend’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”

In the first example, the speaker judges her brother’s behavior: he’s going to wear himself out. In the second example, she acknowledges the facts—her brother helped a friend roof his house on Saturday—and acknowledges her own fears about how this might affect his life.

The difference is subtle, but the results are not. Often times, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to promote an open dialogue about our concerns.

***
Be aware of your evaluations and observations today.
Try to separate the two to create more opportunities for open dialogue.

nvc

Jun. 21st, 2010 10:10 am
nicolica: (Default)
When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself . . . If a worker’s performance is promoted by fear of punishment, the job gets done, but morale suffers; sooner or later, productivity will decrease.
—Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.


Protective vs. Punitive Use of Force

Our society spends a great deal of time punishing people for their misdeeds. This is called punitive use of force. This stems from a belief that people behave in certain ways because they are bad or evil, and that they need to be punished to mend their ways.

Suppose you see your child run into a busy street. If you pull her from the street and berate her for being careless, you are using punitive force. Your focus is on judging her behavior.

Protective use of force, on the other hand, stems from the belief that sometimes people do things because they don’t know any better. It represents a desire to prevent injury or injustice. It focuses on protecting people’s rights and well-being, not judging their behavior.

If you use protective force you would still grab your child, not because you believed she was bad, but because you want to protect her. When we punish people, they focus on avoiding the consequences of their actions, not on their values in relation to their actions. Focusing on avoiding consequences is unlikely to encourage change.
*****

Focus on protective use of force today by adopting an attitude that people sometimes do things that cause them pain because they don’t know better.

NVC

May. 31st, 2010 12:29 pm
nicolica: (Default)
Until you make peace with who you are, you’ll never be content with what you have.
—Doris Mortman


Clarifying What You Value


Make a clear, conscious decision about what’s important to you, and then live from that place.

I used to strive to be liked. I measured my success by other people’s opinions of me. I was in pain for years using this strategy. If someone didn’t like me, I felt bad and I tried to be the kind of person they wanted me to be. If someone didn’t want to spend time with me, I was certain it was because I wasn’t a likeable person. It did not occur to me to clarify my own values and to live from them.

For instance, I value authenticity so I began to speak up when something was important to me, rather than keep quiet so that people would like me. Once I truly understood what was important to me, I began to live more peacefully. Sometimes people still don’t like me, but I know that if I act in harmony with my values, I can be at peace even in the face of conflict.

NVC

Apr. 6th, 2010 10:22 am
nicolica: (Default)
I can still remember my mother clutching her heart, threatening to have a heart attack and die, and blaming it on me.
—Anonymous


Motivation Through Joy

Can you relate to this quote? I spent much of my life trying to avoid the guilty feelings I had when I didn’t meet other people’s expectations. As a result, I developed resentments toward many people, including myself, and I was filled with rage. Either I succumbed to others’ expectations or I rebelled against them. But I spent little time trying to notice what I liked, loved, and wanted. I was motivated by guilt, shame, and worry.

Then at the age of 25 I had a dream to own and run a horse farm. I decided to go to college to pursue it. I wasn’t certain I could succeed; I had been raised in the city and I knew nothing about horses. Still, I was convinced this was my new career and I drove 75 miles each way twice a week for three years to earn a degree in Practical Horse Management. I worked my tail off without resentment or anger because it was something I wanted to do; I was motivated by joy.

In the end, I decided that kind of work wasn’t for me, but I had become so excited about college that I went on for Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. When all this started, many people in my life raised an eyebrow. After all, why would I want to own a horse ranch when I didn’t know anything about horses? But when they saw how committed and excited I was about it, they supported me. Really, how can you not support someone who is filled with joy?

*************************************************

Be aware today of the times when you are motivated by joy and how you feel.

NVC

Apr. 2nd, 2010 09:50 am
nicolica: (Default)
Don't Do Anything That Isn't Play!
By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.


When I advise, "Don't do anything that isn't play!" some take me to be radical. Yet, I earnestly believe that an important form of self-compassion is to make choices motivated purely by our desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, duty or obligation. When we are conscious of the life-enriching purpose behind an action we take, then even hard work has an element of play in it. By contrast, an otherwise joyful activity performed out of obligation, duty, fear, guilt or shame will lose its joy and eventually engender resistance.

Many years ago I began to engage in an activity which significantly enlarged the pool of joy and happiness available to my life, while diminishing depression, guilt and shame. I offer it here as a possible way to deepen our compassion for ourselves, to help us live our lives out of joyous play by staying grounded in a clear awareness of the life-enriching need behind everything we do.

Translating Have to, to Choose to
Step 1
What do you do in your life that you don't experience as playful?

List on a piece of paper all those things that you tell yourself you have to do. List any activity you dread but do anyway because you perceive yourself to have no choice.

When I first reviewed my own list, just seeing how long it was gave me insight as to why so much of my time was spent not enjoying life. I noticed how many ordinary, daily things I was doing by tricking myself into believing that I had to do them.

The first item on my list was "write clinical reports." I hated writing these reports, yet I was spending at least an hour of agony over them every day. My second item was "drive the children's car pool to school."

Step 2
After completing your list, clearly acknowledge to yourself that you are doing these things because you choose to do them, not because you have to. Insert the words "I choose to . . . " in front of each item you listed.

I recall my own resistance to this step. "Writing clinical reports," I insisted to myself, "is not something I choose to do! I have to do it. I'm a clinical psychologist. I have to write these reports."

Step 3
After having acknowledged that you choose to do a particular activity, get in touch with the intention behind your choice by completing the statement, I choose to . . . because I want . . . .

At first I fumbled to identify what I wanted from writing clinical reports. I had already determined, several months earlier, that the reports did not serve my clients enough to justify the time they were taking, so why was I continuing to invest so much energy in their preparation?

Finally I realized that I was choosing to write the reports solely because I wanted the income they provided. As soon as I recognized this, I never wrote another clinical report.

I can't tell you how joyful I feel just thinking of how many clinical reports I haven't written since that moment thirty-five years ago! When I realized that money was my primary motivation, I immediately saw that I could find other ways to take care of myself financially, and that in fact, I'd rather scavenge in garbage cans for food than write another clinical report.

The next item on my list of unjoyful tasks was driving the children to school. When I examined the reason behind that chore, however, I felt appreciation for the benefits my children received from attending their school. They could easily walk to the neighborhood school, but their own school was far more in harmony with my educational values.

I continued to drive, but with a different energy; instead of "Oh, darn, I have to drive the car pool today," I was conscious of my purpose, which was for my children to have a quality of education that was very dear to me. Of course I sometimes needed to remind myself two or three times during the drive to refocus my mind on what purpose my action was serving.

As you explore the statement, "I choose to . . . because I want . . . ," you may discover -- as I did with the children's car pool -- the important values behind the choices you've made. I am convinced that after we gain clarity regarding the need being served by our actions, we can experience those actions as play even when they involve hard work, challenge, or frustration.

We also cultivate self-compassion by consciously choosing in daily life to act only in service to our own needs and values rather than out of duty, for extrinsic rewards, or to avoid guilt, shame, and punishment. If we review the joyless acts to which we currently subject ourselves and make the translation from "have to" to "choose to," we will discover more play and integrity in our lives.

NVC

Jan. 17th, 2010 08:00 pm
nicolica: (Default)
He that knows least commonly presumes the most.
—Thomas Fuller, M.D.


Observation, the First Component of Nonviolent Communication

Your five-year-old just drew on your wall with crayons and you think, “He’s trying to make my life difficult because he’s mad at me.” Or your husband comes home later than he had agreed to for the third time this week, so you think, “He doesn’t care about my feelings at all.” Sound familiar?

People often decide why something happened before talking with the other person. The “whys” in these examples were, “He’s trying to make my life difficult because he’s mad at me” and “He doesn’t care about my feelings at all.” The only facts you know in these situations are that there are crayon drawings on the wall (if you saw the child drawing on the wall, you could also identify the artist), and that three times this week, your husband has come home later than you remember he agreed to.

In Nonviolent Communication, this is called the observation: the facts of what you saw or heard. Think of it as a snapshot of what happened or a recording of what was said, without adding in your own judgments or reasons why you think it happened. When you make observations, you open the possibility for deeper connection with the other person.

You might say to your husband when he gets home, “You know, this is the third time this week you’ve come home after six, and I’m feeling confused and annoyed because I thought you agreed to be home by five thirty these nights. Was this your understanding as well?” As in all situations, there are a lot of ways that you can approach the conversation. The point is that if you broach the subject without a predetermined idea of why something happened, you have greater opportunities to connect with the other person and meet your needs.

NVC

Jan. 11th, 2010 12:24 pm
nicolica: (Default)
Setting New Year's Resolutions You're Likely to Meet
By Tiffany Meyer

Have you become a pessimist about setting resolutions for the new year -- believing they're a waste of time? Maybe you're discouraged because inevitably a few weeks into January, the resolutions are forgotten, or you're frustrated because you're already off track? Make 2010 different. Follow these steps to create resolutions as a family that WILL be fulfilled.

I'm a big believer in the idea that we're all a work in progress. I also believe our family -- whatever shape it comes in -- can be an exceptional source of inspiration and support in our continued self-improvement. The beginning of a new year offers the opportunity to reflect and set goals for self-improvement. Resolutions can be a great motivator.

Most resolutions go by the wayside a few weeks into the new year because they fit a particular profile. If written on paper the resolution sounds more like a self-reprimand or a pie-in-the-sky daydream than a realistic goal. Here are a few examples:

  • I want to lose weight. This is the resolution that packs gyms across the world for the first three weeks in January. Why doesn't it work? It's too general, making it difficult to visualize your end goal.
  • I want to spend more time with my family. Great concept, right? But, again, it's very vague, which makes it's difficult to visualize. In addition, where does your family fit in to this resolution? Is this a shared goal?
  • I want to stop wasting money. Sounds like a great idea, but what exactly defines "wasting money"? Is going out to dinner once a month with the family "wasting money"? Is cable television "wasting money"?
The Nonviolent Communication process provides a great framework for creating new years resolutions in partnership with your family that are far more likely to be met.

Think of each resolution as a positive, future-action request you are making of yourself. Take the following steps to create resolutions that you're far more likely to achieve:

1. Reflect.
Take some time with paper and pencil in hand to reflect on the past year. Since 2009 in particular was exceptionally tough for many of us (due to the economy), I suggest dividing your paper into two columns, listed below:

  • I want to celebrate _____. List and describe all of the big and small actions you and/or your family took in 2009 that stir positive feelings in you. Next to each, write down how you feel reflecting upon that celebration, and what needs were met in acting in this way.
  • I want to mourn _____. Now, list and describe all of the big and small actions you and/or your family took or did not take in 2009 that stir negative or uncomfortable feelings in you. Next to each, write down how you feel reflecting upon that item, and what needs were not met in acting/not acting in this way.
2. Share your reflection with your family.
Talking through your celebrations and mournings together can be a powerful process. You're likely to discover some similarities in your lists. Additionally, mourning together can create a space of power -- opening up the possibility of shared commitment for different actions in the future.

3. Translate a mourning into a future action request.
Remember, the best resolutions are positive, future-action requests you're making of yourself. So, it's important to put your future action request in context of the needs it's likely to meet for you and/or your family. And, it's important to keep the request realistic and achievable.

Here's an example:

I want to mourn that I gained seven pounds in 2009, which puts me above my ideal weight. Last year was particularly stressful financially, and I fell into a pattern of emotional eating late in the evening, which is when I felt the most stressed.

When I consider my weight gain, I feel very disappointed in myself because I value a healthy lifestyle, and I know as I get older losing extra pounds is becoming harder and harder to achieve. I'm angry at myself for ignoring my own needs while I was stressed about providing for my family. The weight gain doesn't meet my needs for self-care, health, or balance.

I'm also disappointed that I didn't seek emotional support from my family during this time. Instead, I carried the stress inside, as I experienced self-judgment and embarrassment about my situation. I want to mourn that I isolated myself in times of emotional stress instead of seeking out support of people who love me. I want to better meet my needs for self-care, health, and balance in 2010. To get there I have the following requests of myself:

In early January, I will request a close friend of mine to be my empathy buddy for 2010. On days when I'm feeling particularly stressed and tempted to eat in excess instead of seeking out support, I'll call him/her for empathy. I'd like to offer the same support to this friend in return.

I would like to lose seven pounds in early 2010, healthfully. I'll do this by not snacking past 8:00pm. And to avoid this temptation, I'll commit to reading after 8:00pm instead of snacking and watching television, or to call my empathy buddy whenever I need extra support.

Setting resolutions can absolutely be a positive experience. And, setting resolutions as a family can be a powerful tool to realize the support that's standing right in front of you. The NVC process provides a great framework for creating positive, future-action resolutions that you're most likely to achieve.

This week, get out the paper and pencil, and sit down with your family to realize your goals for self-growth this coming year. You'll be glad you did.
nicolica: (Default)
The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.
— Leonardo da Vinci


Moralistic Judgments


Moralistic judgments imply that other people are wrong or bad because they don’t act in ways that are in harmony with our values. If you see someone driving faster than you think is safe, you might say that they are a maniac driver. If someone talks slower than is fun for you, you might say that they are boring. You may also do this to yourself when you think that you’re fat because you don’t weigh what you’d like to, or that you’re a bully if you regret something you just said.

Anytime you judge someone else or yourself as bad or wrong, you are expressing a moralistic judgment. Another way of looking at things that allows you to evaluate your circumstances without judgment is to express how something affects you.

For instance, when I see someone driving faster than I think is safe, I may say or think, “When I see that person driving that fast I feel scared and I’d really like the road to be safe.” Or, if I’m discouraged with my weight, I could say or think,“Ugh. I am so frustrated with my weight. Losing 20 pounds would really give me hope that this can shift.”

Judging the situation only creates distance and additional hurt feelings. Acknowledging our feelings and connecting those feelings to our unmet needs (safety and hope) can help us to connect with ourselves and others, and to heal.

NVC

Dec. 20th, 2009 04:34 pm
nicolica: (Default)
Re-examine all that you have been told . . . dismiss that which insults your soul. Whatever satisfies your soul is the truth. —Walt Whitman Honoring Our Feelings Do you ever feel ashamed to admit how you feel about something? Do you ever say to yourself, “I shouldn’t feel that way”? Here’s the thing. Feelings aren’t good or bad, positive or negative, or even big or little. They are simply how you feel. If someone accidentally elbows you, you might feel pain. You might recognize and appreciate that the person didn’t intend to stick his elbow in your side, but it still hurts. How you express the pain could differ. Some of us would yell at the top of our lungs. Others might simply say “ouch” and ask the person to remove their elbow. No matter how we express it, though, the feeling of pain stays the same. Emotions operate similarly. You don’t feel too much or have feelings that are too big. Maybe the way you express them is bigger than you enjoy, but the feelings themselves aren’t too big. I used to think I was too passionate because I saw that my passion turned people off. Yet a friend told me that if I were to diminish my passion, I would lose one of the most positive aspects of my personality. Years later, I began to understand that it wasn’t my passion that turned people off; it was the way I expressed it. As a result, I changed my behaviors, not my feelings of passion. The next time you notice yourself discounting your feelings or feel embarrassed about them, try to remember that your feelings “just are.” Then determine whether you’d like to change the way you express them.

Profile

nicolica: (Default)
nicolica

November 2011

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
202122232425 26
27282930   

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 28th, 2017 02:30 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios