NVC

Clarifying Our Needs

We often find ourselves slipping into old behaviors that we would rather change. This is because we don’t have a new plan for responding to the same old situations.

Let’s say you work with someone who talks much more than you enjoy. You might try to listen to him politely for the first half hour, but your irritation mounts and you say something curt to him: “Bob, I need to get back to work!” You regret this every time you do it, but you can’t seem to get yourself to respond differently.

Rather than berate yourself or judge Bob as an incessant talker, take a moment to consider your unmet needs. They could be time, interest, or even consideration. What would it take for you to meet those needs? Would you feel better if the conversation lasted a shorter time, or if you were more prepared for a long dialogue?

Once you connect to your unmet needs and have a few ideas of what it would take to meet them, make a request of the other person: “Bob, I’m feeling a little worried that this conversation may last longer than I’m comfortable with. I’m working on a deadline and I’d like to get back to it. Would it be okay with you if we scheduled a time to continue this conversation when I’m not under so much pressure?”

If you find that you continue to behave in ways that don’t work for you, examine your unmet needs in those kinds of situations, and consider other methods for meeting them.

NVC: Making a Direct Request

Running around the boat does nothing to ensure progress through the water.
—Anonymous

Making a Direct Request

Often it is not what we ask, it is how we ask that makes a difference.

Recently I witnessed a couple in conversation. The husband had bought his wife a water purifier. She didn’t want it. He felt angry and said, “Well, I guess I should know by now that you won’t like anything I buy you. I don’t know why I don’t give up.” She said, “What do I need a water purifier for? I’ve been drinking our tap water for 30 years!”

I felt very sad when I heard this conversation because I realized that the husband had purchased his wife a gift that he wanted. When she didn’t like it, he felt angry, hurt, and hopeless. In the end, his need for clean water was not met and there was additional tension in their relationship. I honestly believe that if he had simply asked for what he wanted, he might have gotten it. “Honey, I am starting to worry about the chemicals in our water. Would you be willing to use a purifier for the water we drink?” It’s direct and honest.

Anytime we try to get people to do what we want without being honest about our intentions, we are drawn into a manipulative scenario that often backfires. When this happens it is hard for anyone to feel satisfied.

When we are direct and honest about what we need, our ability to meet our needs increases.