NVC

Protecting Ourselves is an Illusion

Let’s say your boss offers you a raise, but you’re suspicious of his motives.You sit with your arms crossed, deliberately showing no emotion. Or let’s say that your teenage son mows the lawn without being asked, and you say to him, “What’s that about? What’s this going to cost me?” I’d guess that you are trying to meet your need for protection in these two scenarios. Have you ever noticed what happens when you try to protect yourself in your relationships? My motto used to be protect, protect, protect—at all costs, protect! I carried it with me everywhere I went, even if I wasn’t in danger. My desire to protect myself appeared to other people as defensiveness, anger, or a lack of caring. And because I worked so hard to protect myself, I did not meet my needs for intimacy, love, collaboration, fun, and many others. Except in extreme cases of physical danger, when we protect ourselves we also deny ourselves the opportunity to meet our needs for connection, intimacy, love, and harmony.