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There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
—Edith Wharton
Releasing Our Judgments
An underlying theme in a Nonviolent Communication consciousness is to translate our judgments into feelings and needs. It is impossible to value other people’s needs and remain compassionate if we simultaneously harbor judgments.
Releasing judgments, however, can feel like a monumental task. It seemed that way for me at first. My mind seemed to lodge a judgment per second in an effort to organize data into good or bad categories.
My thoughts would go like this: This dress is pretty and that one isn’t, this person drives well and that person doesn’t, this yard is well kept and that one isn’t, this road is in bad condition, this person is a bad boss—and on it went. The smallest of details had to be judged and categorized.
Finally I became willing to shift this behavior. I started to translate my judgments into acknowledging how something affected me. So when I caught myself thinking, “What a crummy road,” I would translate it into “This road is a lot rougher than I’m used to, and I’m a little worried about my tires.”
I would translate “What a grumpy mother” into “When I see that woman talk to her children in that way, I feel sad because I value more patience.” Or sometimes I would empathize with the mother in my mind by saying, “I bet that mother is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break.”
Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.
***
Be aware of your judgments today and try to translate them into how the situation affects your state of needs.
—Edith Wharton
Releasing Our Judgments
An underlying theme in a Nonviolent Communication consciousness is to translate our judgments into feelings and needs. It is impossible to value other people’s needs and remain compassionate if we simultaneously harbor judgments.
Releasing judgments, however, can feel like a monumental task. It seemed that way for me at first. My mind seemed to lodge a judgment per second in an effort to organize data into good or bad categories.
My thoughts would go like this: This dress is pretty and that one isn’t, this person drives well and that person doesn’t, this yard is well kept and that one isn’t, this road is in bad condition, this person is a bad boss—and on it went. The smallest of details had to be judged and categorized.
Finally I became willing to shift this behavior. I started to translate my judgments into acknowledging how something affected me. So when I caught myself thinking, “What a crummy road,” I would translate it into “This road is a lot rougher than I’m used to, and I’m a little worried about my tires.”
I would translate “What a grumpy mother” into “When I see that woman talk to her children in that way, I feel sad because I value more patience.” Or sometimes I would empathize with the mother in my mind by saying, “I bet that mother is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break.”
Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.
***
Be aware of your judgments today and try to translate them into how the situation affects your state of needs.