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He that knows least commonly presumes the most.
—Thomas Fuller, M.D.
Observation, the First Component of Nonviolent Communication
Your five-year-old just drew on your wall with crayons and you think, “He’s trying to make my life difficult because he’s mad at me.” Or your husband comes home later than he had agreed to for the third time this week, so you think, “He doesn’t care about my feelings at all.” Sound familiar?
People often decide why something happened before talking with the other person. The “whys” in these examples were, “He’s trying to make my life difficult because he’s mad at me” and “He doesn’t care about my feelings at all.” The only facts you know in these situations are that there are crayon drawings on the wall (if you saw the child drawing on the wall, you could also identify the artist), and that three times this week, your husband has come home later than you remember he agreed to.
In Nonviolent Communication, this is called the observation: the facts of what you saw or heard. Think of it as a snapshot of what happened or a recording of what was said, without adding in your own judgments or reasons why you think it happened. When you make observations, you open the possibility for deeper connection with the other person.
You might say to your husband when he gets home, “You know, this is the third time this week you’ve come home after six, and I’m feeling confused and annoyed because I thought you agreed to be home by five thirty these nights. Was this your understanding as well?” As in all situations, there are a lot of ways that you can approach the conversation. The point is that if you broach the subject without a predetermined idea of why something happened, you have greater opportunities to connect with the other person and meet your needs.
—Thomas Fuller, M.D.
Observation, the First Component of Nonviolent Communication
Your five-year-old just drew on your wall with crayons and you think, “He’s trying to make my life difficult because he’s mad at me.” Or your husband comes home later than he had agreed to for the third time this week, so you think, “He doesn’t care about my feelings at all.” Sound familiar?
People often decide why something happened before talking with the other person. The “whys” in these examples were, “He’s trying to make my life difficult because he’s mad at me” and “He doesn’t care about my feelings at all.” The only facts you know in these situations are that there are crayon drawings on the wall (if you saw the child drawing on the wall, you could also identify the artist), and that three times this week, your husband has come home later than you remember he agreed to.
In Nonviolent Communication, this is called the observation: the facts of what you saw or heard. Think of it as a snapshot of what happened or a recording of what was said, without adding in your own judgments or reasons why you think it happened. When you make observations, you open the possibility for deeper connection with the other person.
You might say to your husband when he gets home, “You know, this is the third time this week you’ve come home after six, and I’m feeling confused and annoyed because I thought you agreed to be home by five thirty these nights. Was this your understanding as well?” As in all situations, there are a lot of ways that you can approach the conversation. The point is that if you broach the subject without a predetermined idea of why something happened, you have greater opportunities to connect with the other person and meet your needs.