NVC

I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
Or things in ways, I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
But he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
think, was he a stupid kid or did he just
know different things than you did?
—Ruth Bebermeyer

Separating Observations and Evaluations

Often times we blend an observation—the facts of a situation—with our own opinion. Here is an example. Say your brother spent all of Saturday helping a friend put a new roof on his house. An observation mixed with an evaluation would sound like this: “You are going to wear yourself out!” An observation that is separate from an evaluation would look like this: “When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your friend’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”

In the first example, the speaker judges her brother’s behavior: he’s going to wear himself out. In the second example, she acknowledges the facts—her brother helped a friend roof his house on Saturday—and acknowledges her own fears about how this might affect his life.

The difference is subtle, but the results are not. Often times, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to promote an open dialogue about our concerns.

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Be aware of your evaluations and observations today.
Try to separate the two to create more opportunities for open dialogue.