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просебяшное
Jan. 18th, 2011 10:26 amДР начался с того, что Леша проспал и не отвез Анну в сад. Она нарядилась в костюм лисички, не забыла даже белые колготки и туфельки. Празднует :)
А я хандрю, но это временно.
А я хандрю, но это временно.
Four Surefire Ways to Ruin a Relationship
By Rachelle Lamb
For years I have been speaking and writing about how our communication can greatly enhance our relationships and life experiences. For something completely different, I thought I'd offer readers some surefire ways to effectively ruin relationships. That's right... ruin relationships! We could also call it the Thomas Edison approach... a few tips on how not to go about "lighting" up the faces of those you love. For those who might be curious, here are some all time favorites.
1. Blame and Criticize
This probably tops them all! Nothing compares to a good dose of blame and criticism.
Be sure to include denigrating labels as well. Let me provide you with a few winning examples... call your spouse "uncaring and insensitive", your teen "ungrateful", your boss "incompetent", your sister "manipulative", the government "irresponsible".
There are so many I could fill a volume. Believe me - these work!!! Faster than your neo-cortex will have the chance to reflect on the truly amazing efficiency of your reptilian brain, you will have made certain that the person you are speaking to erects a virtually impregnable barrier of self-defense.
Think about it... nine times out of ten, hasn't blame and criticism aimed in your direction had the same effect? And the beauty of this is... the more a person is exposed to this treatment, the faster they become at putting up walls. Some people even decide to leave the walls there permanently.
Another benefit to this technique is that the speaker also gets to feel lousy even though he or she is talking about someone else. And by the way, it's also just as effective used directly on oneself!
2. Deny Responsibility for Your Actions
You'll get fast results with this one!! It's related to blame in that you get to point your finger at someone else or at an entity such as an organization.
But here's where the magic happens... you then get to stand back and make others responsible for all your woes. So much fun! If you like to think "poor me" and "if only", this one is unbeatable!
3. Order People Around
Ooooh honey I love it when you tell me what to do! Any joy the other person might have had in doing what you want is instantly lost when they're told to do it. Even if the person ends up doing what you want, it will be out of submission and you can be pretty sure you won't be getting the best the other person has to offer. Hello resentment! If on the other hand, the person happens to have a rebellious streak, you have another kind of mess to deal with. Either way, it's a mess.
Over time, this method erodes the very foundation of the relationship. Don't take my words for it though. Try it for yourself. Don't wait another minute!
4. Threaten People
Another winner!! When others think they may be punished or have something taken away as a result of not doing things your way, this sets the platform for lying, cheating, conniving, manipulation, crime and other wonderful things. This is lose/lose at its very best!
There are plenty more "relationship busters" I could share but these definitely top the list. And what's great is that these proven winning techniques can be applied in many different scenarios with consistent results.
If, however, after using these methods for a while, you discover your energy is slowly being drained and you start hankering for a change, then I invite you to discover some effective alternatives.
Recent polls indicate that the number of people being drawn to relate differently is clearly on the rise. In fact it appears that the Ruin Your Relationships Formula is fast becoming antiquated and losing popularity. Conversely, there is a burgeoning interest in exploring win-win formulas.
This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in handy. NVC is a powerful process that uses communication to serve a very different purpose. It places a premium on facilitating trust, openness and optimism and inspires people to work together in genuine partnership - in both home and workplace settings.
Should you happen to be one of the individuals who is tiring of the ruinous habits mentioned above, and would appreciate a refreshing change, come join the growing numbers of people who are using this process to positively transform their communication and their relationships.
By Rachelle Lamb
For years I have been speaking and writing about how our communication can greatly enhance our relationships and life experiences. For something completely different, I thought I'd offer readers some surefire ways to effectively ruin relationships. That's right... ruin relationships! We could also call it the Thomas Edison approach... a few tips on how not to go about "lighting" up the faces of those you love. For those who might be curious, here are some all time favorites.
1. Blame and Criticize
This probably tops them all! Nothing compares to a good dose of blame and criticism.
Be sure to include denigrating labels as well. Let me provide you with a few winning examples... call your spouse "uncaring and insensitive", your teen "ungrateful", your boss "incompetent", your sister "manipulative", the government "irresponsible".
There are so many I could fill a volume. Believe me - these work!!! Faster than your neo-cortex will have the chance to reflect on the truly amazing efficiency of your reptilian brain, you will have made certain that the person you are speaking to erects a virtually impregnable barrier of self-defense.
Think about it... nine times out of ten, hasn't blame and criticism aimed in your direction had the same effect? And the beauty of this is... the more a person is exposed to this treatment, the faster they become at putting up walls. Some people even decide to leave the walls there permanently.
Another benefit to this technique is that the speaker also gets to feel lousy even though he or she is talking about someone else. And by the way, it's also just as effective used directly on oneself!
2. Deny Responsibility for Your Actions
You'll get fast results with this one!! It's related to blame in that you get to point your finger at someone else or at an entity such as an organization.
But here's where the magic happens... you then get to stand back and make others responsible for all your woes. So much fun! If you like to think "poor me" and "if only", this one is unbeatable!
3. Order People Around
Ooooh honey I love it when you tell me what to do! Any joy the other person might have had in doing what you want is instantly lost when they're told to do it. Even if the person ends up doing what you want, it will be out of submission and you can be pretty sure you won't be getting the best the other person has to offer. Hello resentment! If on the other hand, the person happens to have a rebellious streak, you have another kind of mess to deal with. Either way, it's a mess.
Over time, this method erodes the very foundation of the relationship. Don't take my words for it though. Try it for yourself. Don't wait another minute!
4. Threaten People
Another winner!! When others think they may be punished or have something taken away as a result of not doing things your way, this sets the platform for lying, cheating, conniving, manipulation, crime and other wonderful things. This is lose/lose at its very best!
There are plenty more "relationship busters" I could share but these definitely top the list. And what's great is that these proven winning techniques can be applied in many different scenarios with consistent results.
If, however, after using these methods for a while, you discover your energy is slowly being drained and you start hankering for a change, then I invite you to discover some effective alternatives.
Recent polls indicate that the number of people being drawn to relate differently is clearly on the rise. In fact it appears that the Ruin Your Relationships Formula is fast becoming antiquated and losing popularity. Conversely, there is a burgeoning interest in exploring win-win formulas.
This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in handy. NVC is a powerful process that uses communication to serve a very different purpose. It places a premium on facilitating trust, openness and optimism and inspires people to work together in genuine partnership - in both home and workplace settings.
Should you happen to be one of the individuals who is tiring of the ruinous habits mentioned above, and would appreciate a refreshing change, come join the growing numbers of people who are using this process to positively transform their communication and their relationships.
Respecting Is Not the Same as Conceding
By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
In a conflict situation, understanding the other person's needs does not mean you have to give up your own needs. It does mean demonstrating to the other person that you are interested in both your needs and theirs. When they trust that, there's much more likelihood of everyone's needs getting met, which is what happened in the following situation.
I was working with a group of minority students many years ago who had the impression that their school principal was very racist in many of his behaviors, and wanted my help to resolve their conflicts with him.
In our training session, they defined their needs clearly. When we talked about expressing their request, they said: "Marshall, we're not optimistic about making requests of him. We did make requests of him in the past, and it wasn't very pleasant. In the past, he has said, 'Get out of here or I'm going to call the police.'"
I asked, "What request did you make of him?"
One of the students replied, "We said we didn't want him telling us how we could wear our hair." They were referring to the fact that the principal barred them from the football team unless they cut their hair short. I pointed out to them: "Telling him what you don't want (you don't want him telling you how to wear your hair) is really not what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting you learn how to tell him what you do want."
Another student said, "Well, we told him we wanted fairness."
I responded: "Well, that's a need. We have a need for fairness. Once we know our needs, the next step is to be clear with people about what we really want them to do. What can they do to meet our needs? We have to learn how to say that more clearly."
We worked very hard and came up with thirty-eight present requests in positive action language, and we practiced how to present their requests in a respectful, nondemanding way. Doing that means that after you make your request, no matter how the other person responds, whether the person says yes or no, you give an equal amount of respect and understanding. If they say "no," try to understand what need they are meeting that keeps them from saying "yes."
The students went in, told the principal their needs, and expressed their thirty-eight requests in clear action language. They listened to what needs the principal had, and in the end the principal agreed to all thirty-eight of their requests.
About two weeks after that happened, I got a call from a representative of the school district asking if I would teach their school administrator what I had taught those students.
It's very important, in expressing our requests, to be respectful of the other person's reaction regardless of whether they agree to the request. One of the most important messages another person can give us is "no" or "I don't want to." If we listen well to this message, it helps us understand the other person's needs. If we are listening to other peoples' needs, we will see that every time a person says "no," they're really saying they have a need that is not addressed by our strategy, which keeps them from saying "yes." If we can teach ourselves to hear the need behind that "no," we will find an openness toward getting everyone's needs met.
Of course, if we hear the "no" as a rejection, or if we start to blame the other person for saying "no," then it's not likely that we're going to find a way of getting everyone's needs met. It's key that, throughout the process, we keep everyone's attention focused on meeting everyone's needs.
I'm very optimistic about what happens in any conflict if we create this quality of connection. If all sides in a conflict get clear about what they need and hear the other side's needs, if people express their strategies in clear action language, then even if the other person says "no," the focus returns to meeting needs. If we all do this, we will easily find strategies that get everyone's needs met.
By Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
In a conflict situation, understanding the other person's needs does not mean you have to give up your own needs. It does mean demonstrating to the other person that you are interested in both your needs and theirs. When they trust that, there's much more likelihood of everyone's needs getting met, which is what happened in the following situation.
I was working with a group of minority students many years ago who had the impression that their school principal was very racist in many of his behaviors, and wanted my help to resolve their conflicts with him.
In our training session, they defined their needs clearly. When we talked about expressing their request, they said: "Marshall, we're not optimistic about making requests of him. We did make requests of him in the past, and it wasn't very pleasant. In the past, he has said, 'Get out of here or I'm going to call the police.'"
I asked, "What request did you make of him?"
One of the students replied, "We said we didn't want him telling us how we could wear our hair." They were referring to the fact that the principal barred them from the football team unless they cut their hair short. I pointed out to them: "Telling him what you don't want (you don't want him telling you how to wear your hair) is really not what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting you learn how to tell him what you do want."
Another student said, "Well, we told him we wanted fairness."
I responded: "Well, that's a need. We have a need for fairness. Once we know our needs, the next step is to be clear with people about what we really want them to do. What can they do to meet our needs? We have to learn how to say that more clearly."
We worked very hard and came up with thirty-eight present requests in positive action language, and we practiced how to present their requests in a respectful, nondemanding way. Doing that means that after you make your request, no matter how the other person responds, whether the person says yes or no, you give an equal amount of respect and understanding. If they say "no," try to understand what need they are meeting that keeps them from saying "yes."
The students went in, told the principal their needs, and expressed their thirty-eight requests in clear action language. They listened to what needs the principal had, and in the end the principal agreed to all thirty-eight of their requests.
About two weeks after that happened, I got a call from a representative of the school district asking if I would teach their school administrator what I had taught those students.
It's very important, in expressing our requests, to be respectful of the other person's reaction regardless of whether they agree to the request. One of the most important messages another person can give us is "no" or "I don't want to." If we listen well to this message, it helps us understand the other person's needs. If we are listening to other peoples' needs, we will see that every time a person says "no," they're really saying they have a need that is not addressed by our strategy, which keeps them from saying "yes." If we can teach ourselves to hear the need behind that "no," we will find an openness toward getting everyone's needs met.
Of course, if we hear the "no" as a rejection, or if we start to blame the other person for saying "no," then it's not likely that we're going to find a way of getting everyone's needs met. It's key that, throughout the process, we keep everyone's attention focused on meeting everyone's needs.
I'm very optimistic about what happens in any conflict if we create this quality of connection. If all sides in a conflict get clear about what they need and hear the other side's needs, if people express their strategies in clear action language, then even if the other person says "no," the focus returns to meeting needs. If we all do this, we will easily find strategies that get everyone's needs met.
The shortest and surest way to live with honor in the |
Live Authentically Have you ever heard comments like these? “I didn’t know you were angry!” “Really? You were enjoying the party?” The true test of living authentically is when people perceive your feelings accurately. It sounds easy, but it takes courage, honesty, and an ability to be in the present moment. It is so natural for many of us to lie about who we are and what we feel. Say that a woman you wanted to date calls you to ask if you want to go skiing. You might say, “Oh sure, I love to ski,” when in reality you gave up skiing years ago because you didn’t enjoy it. You tell yourself that if she discovers you don’t like skiing she won’t like you, so you lie to meet your need for acceptance and love. At the same time, you deny your need for authenticity, honesty, and fun. It is a total relief to be authentic. No more hiding out, making up excuses, or lying to people. It can feel like a weight has been lifted from your chest. Imagine just being you, without worrying about how other people will receive you. |
Be aware today of opportunities to be honest with people because you desire to live authentically. |
записки на манжетах + мамское
Sep. 1st, 2010 01:14 pm- Фейсбук категорически забракован. Там настолько много понтов и попыток показать себя с наилучшей стороны, что я опять начинаю себя ощущать школьницей. Потому тупо и демонстративно играю в игры, а писать не пишу вообще.
- Еще в выходные Анна купалась в бассейне. А сегодня я впревые с весны надела водолазку. И накрасилась без страха, что через пять минут после выхода из дома макияж поплывет.
- Смотрю онлайн "Отчаянных домохозяек". К своему удивлению, узнаю себя в Бри. Такая же эмоционально зажатая :) А вот моя хорошая подруга очень похожа на Габриэль с примесью Энджи. Смотрю и душа радуется :)
- Анна настойчиво усваивает русский. У нее есть несколько любимых мультфильмов, которые она смотрит чуть ли не каждый день. Отвечает на мои вопросы по-русски. Спрашивает перевод разных слов. Все это при том, что все вокруг общаются исключительно на румынском, русский бывает только в компьютере и телевизоре. Раньше я слегка иронизировала, когда мама говорила, что решила отдать меня в спецшколу из-за явного дара в изучении языков. Теперь, смотря на Анну, понимаю, что она имела в виду.
- А вы пойдете на референдум?
Few blame themselves until they have |
Being Honest About Our Anger When I am angry, it is likely that I am not getting something that I want and that I think I should get, and I am about to say something that will ensure I won’t get it. When we blame other people, we place ourselves in a dangerous position of not meeting our needs in that relationship. Instead, take a deep breath and don’t say anything. While taking this breath, quietly acknowledge to yourself your unmet needs and feelings in the situation. Only when you have connected to your feelings and needs should you consider speaking to the other person. Here is how it works. Let’s say your boss just told you, “This proposal is completely unacceptable. You have a half hour to fix it!” Take a breath and think to yourself, “Ugh. I am so ticked at him. He is so demanding and impossible to please because he gives such vague information.” Then connect to the feelings and needs beneath these judgments, “I really feel annoyed (feeling) because I’d like clarity about what he specifically wants (need).” Then, say aloud, “You know when I hear that I feel frustrated because I created the proposal based on your specifications. I need some clarity here. Would you be willing to tell me exactly what parts are unacceptable to you?” Such a communication is more likely to meet your needs for clarity, respect, and being valued. |
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Be aware of opportunities today to practice connecting with yourself before responding to another person in anger. |
By perseverance the snail reached the ark. |
Being Persistant About Getting Our Needs Met Do you ever find yourself in an argument that doesn’t seem to have a solution? Consider this couple’s situation. The husband picks up after himself and he likes a neat home; the wife tends to put things down and leave them there. Their arguments usually involve the husband accusing the wife of being lazy and uncaring, and the wife accusing the husband The only two strategies that they can come up with are either the husband picks up for both of them or the wife tries to pick up for herself. But she usually doesn’t stick with it for long and the argument starts over. Sometimes people get stuck in this kind of argument for years. How about a different approach? Let’s consider the needs. The husband may need orderliness and cooperation, while the wife may need spontaneity and autonomy. Suppose he says to her, “You know, when I come home and see your clothes on the floor from the living room to the bedroom, I feel confused and annoyed because yesterday I heard you say that you would start picking up your things. Did I hear you correctly yesterday?” “Well, yeah, but you know I came home and jumped in the shower. I meant to pick up the clothes, but then I started reading the paper and just forgot.” “So, your intention was to pick up your clothes, but then you got distracted?” “Yeah. That’s it.” “You know, when I hear that I feel annoyed because I’d really like to trust that you’ll follow through on your commitments. Do you think you heard my request to pick up your things as a demand?” “Of course it’s a demand. If I don’t do it your way, I’m in trouble.” “I can see how you’d think that because I have been really upset about this issue for a long time. But I’d like you to hear it differently now. I really do value orderliness, but I also value your need for autonomy and spontaneity. I’d truly like for us to create a solution that meets both of our needs. Would you be willing to brainstorm ideas with me that might accomplish that?” Can you imagine new solutions to this ongoing conflict? It’s especially difficult to be creative when you are emotionally charged by the situation. Here are a few ideas: She pays someone to clean the house weekly; they put a box by the front door for all the clothes she takes off; she has one room in the house designated hers where she can be as untidy as she likes; he has one room that’s his and keeps it as tidy as he likes; or he continues to tidy the house for both of them and she adds other duties to her list, such as the laundry or yard work. The point is that there are numerous ways to meet these needs. The trick is to be creative and flexible in choosing strategies. |
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Be aware of your needs today and be creative and flexible about getting them met. |
No one can make you feel inferior |
You Are Not Responsible for Other People's Feelings How many times have we heard this? It may sound trite, but it’s true! Everyone’s feelings are a result of their own met or unmet needs. It’s important that we take responsibility for our actions and acknowledge that our behaviors are sometimes a stimulus for other people’s pain. It is equally important that we acknowledge to ourselves that other people are responsible for their own feelings. Say that you are telling a story about your younger brother’s childhood, which you think is hysterical and clearly demonstrates his quick wit. He, on the other hand, feels hurt and embarrassed because he wants respect and consideration, especially while his girlfriend is visiting the family. In this situation, your brother doesn’t appreciate that you are trying to contribute to his relationship with his girlfriend. Are you responsible for how he feels? Absolutely not. Should you acknowledge that you were the stimulus for his pain, and express your regret? Absolutely; to meet your own needs for care and consideration. If you can remember this simple philosophy, it can be easier for you to take responsibility for your actions, without taking responsibility for other people’s feelings. This will enhance and deepen your relationships. |
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Notice if you are taking responsibility for other people’s feelings today and be aware that they are responsible instead. |
Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.
—Charlotte Brontë
Stimulus or Cause
Violence is a result of thinking that others caused our pain and deserve to be punished. When living from this consciousness, we believe that our anger is justified.
Consider road rage. A driver who engages in it believes that the other person is driving badly or is trying to tick him off, so he tailgates, makes hand gestures, or worse yet, shoots at them. He often feels justified in his anger. Two weeks before, however, he may have driven down that same road in the same traffic but didn’t behave violently.
Why? Maybe because he had an easier day at work, or left work earlier and had more time to get home, or it was his anniversary and he was excited about the evening ahead. The stimulus was the same—traffic on a particular road—but his feelings were quite different depending on his needs.
The cause of our feelings is our own needs in the moment. What happens is simply the stimulus. In order to maintain serenity in our life, it is important to understand this distinction.
Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.
***
Be aware today of times when you are tempted to blame other people for your feelings, and try to discover your unmet needs.
—Charlotte Brontë
Stimulus or Cause
Violence is a result of thinking that others caused our pain and deserve to be punished. When living from this consciousness, we believe that our anger is justified.
Consider road rage. A driver who engages in it believes that the other person is driving badly or is trying to tick him off, so he tailgates, makes hand gestures, or worse yet, shoots at them. He often feels justified in his anger. Two weeks before, however, he may have driven down that same road in the same traffic but didn’t behave violently.
Why? Maybe because he had an easier day at work, or left work earlier and had more time to get home, or it was his anniversary and he was excited about the evening ahead. The stimulus was the same—traffic on a particular road—but his feelings were quite different depending on his needs.
The cause of our feelings is our own needs in the moment. What happens is simply the stimulus. In order to maintain serenity in our life, it is important to understand this distinction.
Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.
***
Be aware today of times when you are tempted to blame other people for your feelings, and try to discover your unmet needs.
There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.
—Edith Wharton
Releasing Our Judgments
An underlying theme in a Nonviolent Communication consciousness is to translate our judgments into feelings and needs. It is impossible to value other people’s needs and remain compassionate if we simultaneously harbor judgments.
Releasing judgments, however, can feel like a monumental task. It seemed that way for me at first. My mind seemed to lodge a judgment per second in an effort to organize data into good or bad categories.
My thoughts would go like this: This dress is pretty and that one isn’t, this person drives well and that person doesn’t, this yard is well kept and that one isn’t, this road is in bad condition, this person is a bad boss—and on it went. The smallest of details had to be judged and categorized.
Finally I became willing to shift this behavior. I started to translate my judgments into acknowledging how something affected me. So when I caught myself thinking, “What a crummy road,” I would translate it into “This road is a lot rougher than I’m used to, and I’m a little worried about my tires.”
I would translate “What a grumpy mother” into “When I see that woman talk to her children in that way, I feel sad because I value more patience.” Or sometimes I would empathize with the mother in my mind by saying, “I bet that mother is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break.”
Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.
***
Be aware of your judgments today and try to translate them into how the situation affects your state of needs.
—Edith Wharton
Releasing Our Judgments
An underlying theme in a Nonviolent Communication consciousness is to translate our judgments into feelings and needs. It is impossible to value other people’s needs and remain compassionate if we simultaneously harbor judgments.
Releasing judgments, however, can feel like a monumental task. It seemed that way for me at first. My mind seemed to lodge a judgment per second in an effort to organize data into good or bad categories.
My thoughts would go like this: This dress is pretty and that one isn’t, this person drives well and that person doesn’t, this yard is well kept and that one isn’t, this road is in bad condition, this person is a bad boss—and on it went. The smallest of details had to be judged and categorized.
Finally I became willing to shift this behavior. I started to translate my judgments into acknowledging how something affected me. So when I caught myself thinking, “What a crummy road,” I would translate it into “This road is a lot rougher than I’m used to, and I’m a little worried about my tires.”
I would translate “What a grumpy mother” into “When I see that woman talk to her children in that way, I feel sad because I value more patience.” Or sometimes I would empathize with the mother in my mind by saying, “I bet that mother is feeling overwhelmed and needs a break.”
Once I got into the habit of this, my judgments began to subside dramatically. It became easy to love people and feel compassion for them, and I experienced a freedom I had never known before. This kind of a shift takes focus and commitment, but the rewards are many.
***
Be aware of your judgments today and try to translate them into how the situation affects your state of needs.
мамское: The Inclusive Classroom
Jun. 30th, 2010 05:51 pmThe Inclusive Classroom: checklists
№ 4 дефицит внимания / гиперактивность и поведенческие отклонения
Имя ребенка ________________________________________
Год и дата рождения ________________________________________
Диагноз ________________________________________
Пометьте все пункты, характеризующие ребенка:
_____ не может сосредоточиться на действии дольше, чем минуту или две
_____ тело находится в постоянном движении
_____ действует импульсивно и не учитывает возможные последствия
_____ легко отвлекается на посторонние звуки
_____ легко отвлекается на зрительные стимулы
_____ ребенку сложно следовать простым указаниям
_____ часто дерется с другими детьми
_____ ребенку сложно усидеть во время встреч в общем круге
_____ ребенку нравятся активные игры
_____ с разбегу натыкается на стены и мебель, спотыкается
_____ раздражается, если надо выполнять новые задания
_____ не уважает личное пространство других детей
_____ есть задержка в развитии мелкой моторики
_____ есть задержка в речевом развитии
_____ есть задержка в когнитивном развитии
_____ ребенку необходима помощь в применении навыков самообслуживания
Пометьте все стратегии, которые могут помочь ребенку с дефицитом внимания / гиперактивностью и поведенческими отклонениями:
_____ Помогите ребенку успокоиться и прийти в себя, давая возможность заняться такими видами деятельности, которые способствуют большему осознаванию собственного физического состояния. Например, привлекайте его к сложным задачам с точки зрения физических усилий – пусть ребенок перетаскивает тяжелые деревянные кубики или чистит жесткой щеткой поверхность стола, таскает тяжелый рюкзак или носит жилет с утяжелением.
_____ Предлагайте стимулы для большего осознавания ощущений во рту: дайте ему пожевать мягкие резиновые трубки, разгрызть твердую пищу (например, сушки). Больше информации насчет проблем с сенсорным восприятием содержится в приложениях.
_____ Обеспечьте спокойную атмосферу в определенной части помещения, куда ребенок сможет удалиться, если почувствует необходимость взять паузу. Например: (1) поставьте в углу помещения большую картонную коробку, вырежьте в одной из стенок «дверь» и положите в коробку несколько мягких подушек; (2) установите палатку – в магазинах игрушек продаются маленькие палатки для детей; (3) накройте столик длинной скатертью или покрывалом и положите под стол несколько мягких подушек.
_____ Попробуйте уменьшить уровень шума в помещении, повесив на стены ковры или установив подвесные потолки.
_____ Ограничьте зрительные стимулы, установив ширмы для разграничения пространства.
_____ Включите спокойную инструментальную музыку для успокоения ребенка. В общем, песни не обладают успокаивающим эффектом.
_____ Обратите внимание, если ребенку труднее приспособиться к окружающему пространству в определенный отрезок времени. Попробуйте изменить распорядок дня. Возможно, ребенку будет проще приспособиться, если общая встреча состоится раньше или позже, чем обычно.
_____ Позвольте ребенку не снимать свитер или куртку, если ему неприятны чужие прикосновения. Одежда поможет свести к минимуму нечаянный непосредственный физический контакт с другими детьми.
_____ Существует множество эффективных систем для влияния на поведение детей. Используйте те методы, которые не только удовлетворяют потребности ребенка, но и не противоречат Вашему педагогическому стилю, атмосфере учебного заведения и стилю воспитания в семье.
_____ В случае детей с поведенческими отклонениями, крайне важно, чтобы предлагаемые виды деятельности соответствовали уровню развития ребенка. Учитывая, что ребенку и так трудно выполнять задания, представьте себе, насколько труднее ему участвовать в новых для него видах деятельности.
_____ Планируйте день таким образом, чтобы спокойные занятия чередовались с активными.
Опишите другие возможные стратегии ________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
Or things in ways, I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
But he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
think, was he a stupid kid or did he just
know different things than you did?
—Ruth Bebermeyer
Separating Observations and Evaluations
Often times we blend an observation—the facts of a situation—with our own opinion. Here is an example. Say your brother spent all of Saturday helping a friend put a new roof on his house. An observation mixed with an evaluation would sound like this: “You are going to wear yourself out!” An observation that is separate from an evaluation would look like this: “When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your friend’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”
In the first example, the speaker judges her brother’s behavior: he’s going to wear himself out. In the second example, she acknowledges the facts—her brother helped a friend roof his house on Saturday—and acknowledges her own fears about how this might affect his life.
The difference is subtle, but the results are not. Often times, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to promote an open dialogue about our concerns.
***
Be aware of your evaluations and observations today.
Try to separate the two to create more opportunities for open dialogue.
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
Or things in ways, I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
But he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
think, was he a stupid kid or did he just
know different things than you did?
—Ruth Bebermeyer
Separating Observations and Evaluations
Often times we blend an observation—the facts of a situation—with our own opinion. Here is an example. Say your brother spent all of Saturday helping a friend put a new roof on his house. An observation mixed with an evaluation would sound like this: “You are going to wear yourself out!” An observation that is separate from an evaluation would look like this: “When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your friend’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”
In the first example, the speaker judges her brother’s behavior: he’s going to wear himself out. In the second example, she acknowledges the facts—her brother helped a friend roof his house on Saturday—and acknowledges her own fears about how this might affect his life.
The difference is subtle, but the results are not. Often times, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to promote an open dialogue about our concerns.
***
Be aware of your evaluations and observations today.
Try to separate the two to create more opportunities for open dialogue.
мамское: The Inclusive Classroom
Jun. 23rd, 2010 06:15 pmThe Inclusive Classroom: checklists
№3 отставание в развитии и аутизм
Имя ребенка ________________________________________
Год и дата рождения ________________________________________
Диагноз ________________________________________
Пометьте все пункты, характеризующие ребенка:
_____ бессвязная речь
_____ недостаточно развитые социальные навыки
_____ настаивает на играх с четкой очередностью действий, сопротивляется изменениям
_____ чрезмерная реакция на сенсорные стимулы (например, волнуется при виде резиновых перчаток)
_____ нарочитое безразличие по отношению к некоторым сенсорным стимулам (например, игнорирует воспитателя)
_____ само-стимуляция (самовозбуждение?)
_____ сложно осуществить визуальный контакт
_____ сложности в выполнении заданий, которые ребенок не выбрал сам
_____ оказывает сопротивление в выполнении заданий, на которых настаивают взрослые
_____ повторяет все за говорящим
_____ заметно отсутствие игр, основанных на воображении
Пометьте все стратегии, которые могут помочь ребенку с отставанием в развитии / аутизмом:
_____ Используйте прямые инструкции, чтобы ребенок научился ____________
_____ поощряйте попытки других детей общаться с ним/ней
_____ замечайте, чем занимаются другие дети, и помогите ребенку с аутизмом выполнять те же действия или участвовать в этих действиях с пользой (продуктивно)
_____ используйте широкий спектр поощрений в развитии навыков
_____ используйте рисунки (пиктограммы) и/или язык жестов при объяснении указаний
_____ используйте короткие четкие указания
_____ реагируйте позитивно на способность или неспособность ребенка отзываться на стимулы в его окружении
_____ сначала используйте индивидуальные указания и со временем все больше переходите к групповым указаниям
_____ моделируйте речь ребенка, используя слова «я», «мой», «мне» и т.п. Не говорите «Федор лезет на горку», а «Я лезу на горку». Ребенок с эколалией повторит предложение, используя правильное местоимение и со временем научиться его использовать в своей речи
_____ замечайте, когда ребенок сосредоточен и настроен на сотрудничество в рамках определенной деятельности. Если ему идет во благо общение с определенным ребенком или определенное занятие, используйте данную информацию для того, чтобы помочь ему справиться и с другими задачами
_____ планируйте успокаивающие сенсорные впечатления. Например, если ребенка успокаивает укачивание, планируйте 5-10 минут на качание в качестве перехода от одного вида деятельности к другому. Обращайте внимание, если укачивание способствует успокоению и прекратите его, если не замечаете положительного эффекта
_____ когда необходимо, чтобы ребенок наработал определенный навык или попробовал новый вид деятельности, настаивайте на его вовлечение. Если ребенок понимает, что может избежать участия плачем или сопротивлением (отказом), он будет все чаще пользоваться этими методами, чтобы не выполнять задания взрослых. Обязательно поддерживайте ребенка, если он соглашается сотрудничать.
_____ разработайте предсказуемый сенсорный режим, чтобы помочь ребенку реагировать адекватно на сенсорные стимулы. Если ребенок кажется перевозбужденным, используйте техники для расслабления, например глубокое дыхание или отдых на больших напольных подушках. Попробуйте притушить свет в помещении. Говорите тихо и спокойно с перевозбужденным ребенком. Некоторых детей успокаивает глубокий массаж.
_____ Попробуйте надевать на ребенка жилеты с отягощением, укладывать его под тяжелое покрывало или мат, обертывать простыней или надевать на него очень тесную одежду.
_____ Разрешите ребенку стоять во время некоторых занятий, ему может быть слишком трудно долго сидеть
Опишите другие возможные стратегии ________________________________________
________________________________________
________________________________________
David Allen's Newsletter:
Keeping track of the balances due...
A client of mine told me that one of the most powerful things that happened as a result of my workflow coaching with him was that with all his incompletions objectified and captured in one system and easily reviewable, it made it suddenly much easier to say "no".
Beforehand, with no edges to the inventory of his commitments, his personality and style would let him tell all kinds of people that he was willing to do all kinds of things for them. Now, with his workload reality so well defined, he realized he was doing them and himself a serious disservice—to make promises that more than likely would not get fulfilled.
He said that many times since the coaching session, people have requested his time, and he has had to swallow hard and decline. Amazingly, he said, they have all not only understood, but expressed positive awe at his discipline and focus, and gratitude for his realistic appraisal of his time and priorities.
Many of us feel like we don't have the luxury to put up these STOP signs. Our children, bosses, parents, and pets continually produce unexpected demands and opportunities to take on more to do.
But just like credit cards, you have limits to your bandwidth of possible engagements. If you don't know what those are, clearly, the ability to say "yes" feels like free money, and "no" is a rarity in your vocabulary. But the end result is unhealthy stress, frustration, and disappointment, often with all parties involved—not just yourself. The piper will be paid. There are hard conversations you might need to have. Fulfilling the deeper commitments in your life, supporting your integrity, is more easily sustained by monitoring your agreements. All of them.
Give yourself the gift of a realistic assessment of your internal bank account.
"When you arrive at a certain level it's very easy to say 'yes': that is the moment to learn to say 'no'."
-Jose Carreras
Keeping track of the balances due...
A client of mine told me that one of the most powerful things that happened as a result of my workflow coaching with him was that with all his incompletions objectified and captured in one system and easily reviewable, it made it suddenly much easier to say "no".
Beforehand, with no edges to the inventory of his commitments, his personality and style would let him tell all kinds of people that he was willing to do all kinds of things for them. Now, with his workload reality so well defined, he realized he was doing them and himself a serious disservice—to make promises that more than likely would not get fulfilled.
He said that many times since the coaching session, people have requested his time, and he has had to swallow hard and decline. Amazingly, he said, they have all not only understood, but expressed positive awe at his discipline and focus, and gratitude for his realistic appraisal of his time and priorities.
Many of us feel like we don't have the luxury to put up these STOP signs. Our children, bosses, parents, and pets continually produce unexpected demands and opportunities to take on more to do.
But just like credit cards, you have limits to your bandwidth of possible engagements. If you don't know what those are, clearly, the ability to say "yes" feels like free money, and "no" is a rarity in your vocabulary. But the end result is unhealthy stress, frustration, and disappointment, often with all parties involved—not just yourself. The piper will be paid. There are hard conversations you might need to have. Fulfilling the deeper commitments in your life, supporting your integrity, is more easily sustained by monitoring your agreements. All of them.
Give yourself the gift of a realistic assessment of your internal bank account.
"When you arrive at a certain level it's very easy to say 'yes': that is the moment to learn to say 'no'."
-Jose Carreras
When we submit to doing something solely for the purpose of avoiding punishment, our attention is distracted from the value of the action itself . . . If a worker’s performance is promoted by fear of punishment, the job gets done, but morale suffers; sooner or later, productivity will decrease.
—Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Protective vs. Punitive Use of Force
Our society spends a great deal of time punishing people for their misdeeds. This is called punitive use of force. This stems from a belief that people behave in certain ways because they are bad or evil, and that they need to be punished to mend their ways.
Suppose you see your child run into a busy street. If you pull her from the street and berate her for being careless, you are using punitive force. Your focus is on judging her behavior.
Protective use of force, on the other hand, stems from the belief that sometimes people do things because they don’t know any better. It represents a desire to prevent injury or injustice. It focuses on protecting people’s rights and well-being, not judging their behavior.
If you use protective force you would still grab your child, not because you believed she was bad, but because you want to protect her. When we punish people, they focus on avoiding the consequences of their actions, not on their values in relation to their actions. Focusing on avoiding consequences is unlikely to encourage change.
Focus on protective use of force today by adopting an attitude that people sometimes do things that cause them pain because they don’t know better.
—Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Protective vs. Punitive Use of Force
Our society spends a great deal of time punishing people for their misdeeds. This is called punitive use of force. This stems from a belief that people behave in certain ways because they are bad or evil, and that they need to be punished to mend their ways.
Suppose you see your child run into a busy street. If you pull her from the street and berate her for being careless, you are using punitive force. Your focus is on judging her behavior.
Protective use of force, on the other hand, stems from the belief that sometimes people do things because they don’t know any better. It represents a desire to prevent injury or injustice. It focuses on protecting people’s rights and well-being, not judging their behavior.
If you use protective force you would still grab your child, not because you believed she was bad, but because you want to protect her. When we punish people, they focus on avoiding the consequences of their actions, not on their values in relation to their actions. Focusing on avoiding consequences is unlikely to encourage change.
*****
Focus on protective use of force today by adopting an attitude that people sometimes do things that cause them pain because they don’t know better.
про Ниагару
Jun. 15th, 2010 12:18 pmПозвонила, все узнала. Итак: если ребенку уже исполнилось 7 лет, то можно за 295 евро в месяц записать его в летний лагерь в Niagara Orange Fitness. Дети там находятся в рабочие дни, с 10 утра до 5 вечера. Программа включает тренировки, обед и полдник. Сейчас уже набирают группы на июль и август. Пообщаться на эту тему можно с менеджером Кристиной, моб. 068088082.
записки на манжетах
Jun. 14th, 2010 03:01 pmА есть ли и у меня во френдах кто-либо, кто знает условия проведения летнего лагеря для детей в клубе "Ниагара"? Меня попросили узнать расценки, расписание, сроки подачи заявки, условия и т.п., а я даже не соображу, куда и кому звонить.
